Options are nice when it comes to ice cream, cocktails, clothes...  However I've never been great at making decisions until I absolutely have to. I'm always the last to order my food even though I always get the first thing I looked at. I over pack when I travel, because I need the same amount of options from my dresser on vacation to assure myself that I'll always be wearing just what I want to wear. Yes, options are nice, but when it comes to boys... it's daunting. Oh poor me, who to date? Not exactly.

The last serious relationship I had was with a guy I met on OkCupid.com.  After that ended, I told myself I would be single for a while and enjoy it. I used the website to meet guys and go on dates with no strings attached. Finally I got tired of "shopping" online for guys, that's what it felt like! So I deleted my account and thought it would be nice to meet a guy the old fashion way. In person. Well that's not really possible in the gay community. Even before the internet, guys didn't really have a safe venue to meet. Even today we can't just flirt with anyone we think is attractive. We have to get this magical green light signal that says, "Yes I'm gay." This is hard to do in the 45 seconds you're in line at Starbucks. We have to work fast. So we look for signs like labels, how the jeans fit the ass,  the color of their ipod, voice inflections (hate that but it's true), and how picky they are with their coffee (venti sugar free caramel iced coffee with skim milk is usually a good sign).So I joined yet another website in hopes of just going on a date. It worked.  Just one little catch.  If you thought the gay world is small, Long Island is SMALLER. (Disclaimor: Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I know your gay best friend from college). The guy I talked to for a week and asked me out was the same guy my gay best friend, let's call him Ryan, was talking to and went on two dates with.  Needless to say I sorta got Ryan's blessing to go on the date.. after the fact, my bad, since they sorta fizzled. The guy is great, we click. But I'm talking to yet another potential via the same website who also "clicks". AND on top of this, my first big ex decides we are friends and messages me via myspace.

Ahem. I went from nothing, to a gaggle of dates and exes. What gives? I can't have my gay and date it too.

Le sigh.

Keep it ideal. I'm going to work out and make some festive shirts with Annemarie for tomorrow and live up to my last name. The rest of the year I'm Italian : )

Remember that time we shaped our lives in high school? That's what they say. I'm from Warren Hills Regional High School. And I'm still here. Summer before my senior year of college... that other institution that finishes off shaping our lives. It's scary because you know, I still don't have a job. It's not that I'm being lazy. I want to work, but I can't do something that isn't going to help... shape my life. Cold Stone Creamery, Summer Camp, Park Avenue doorman, landscaping, American Eagle, Blockbuster... I've done a lot and yeah it's shaping who I am, but Colin Murphy needs to go somewhere. And it's not Warren County.

I've applied for an internship in New Brunswick at the George Street Playhouse. I'd be assistant teaching theatre classes which would be amazing. A summer job that I enjoy?  That's related to what I'm up to my ears in debt for going to a University I couldn't afford but my family believes in my dreams for? Yeah. I want it. And I haven't applied anywhere else because I keep telling myself that I'm going to get it. It's a little dangerous but I don't feel like settling right now, or anymore. I'm all about paying my dues but I'm pretty sure I can still do that and enjoy it to some extent. I had to mail my cover letter and resumes to them via snail mail... it should have gotten to them today. I planned on following it up with a phone call. I didn't call today because a.)They should have just gotten it and I don't want to look desperate or creepy.. and b.) I'm banking on this job. So yeah I am desperate and I didn't feel like that kind of bad news today. I know that If I call tomorrow, I'll get it. This is what I'm telling myself. And I believe it : )

So yeah. Summer back "home." I use that word loosely because without a doubt this is always going to be home, but as for the actual house one might call a home... is sold and my mom and I are out of here in like two weeks. My mom is moving in with her gf Judy, who's sick with lung cancer. She's inherited the condo for when.. (if)...that day comes. That's my new "home" except I'm not really moving in. Jude needs some space dealing with the cancer and I totally get that so I'm couching it for three months. If I get the New Brunswick job then fucking score. I'll stay at Kilpa's apt. during the week. Then... the smart thing to do would be to get my ass into the city and start auditioning. This is my master plan for the summer and for once I'd like my master plan to work. So, fingers are crossed.

It's funny. In high school we all have gigantic dreams and then they just freeze. We don't know how to make them happen all the time, or we realize something better for us, or we get lazy. The thing with me is... I've realized the only things I'm even close to "great" at are acting and playwriting. These don't exactly have health benefits nor do they pay off the bat. I have no choice to but dream fucking big and make them happen. Because if they don't... I have no idea what would become of Colin Murphy. This is what I've done with my life and ... sometimes it just starts to look so bleak. I'm 22 in Warren County... how the hell am I going to end up where I want to be?
Crazy right?
Yeah.
So... whatever I did in those halls of the Blue Streaks... and what I'll accomplish in my last stretch at Adelphi... better get me there.